State of the Union

I'm sure everyone saw the State of the Union address last night. Wasn't it marvelous? Blogs everywhere are talking about it -- a couple of my favorites: Wonkette liveblogging, and a Mahablog article.

I wanted to go through and detail the bullshit paragraph by paragraph, but that fucker's long. Instead, I'll just pick some highlights. Mr. President's comments are in red, mine are in blue. (See how clever I am?) Links are unbold. Um. Imbold. Inb -- everything but links is bold. Are bold. ... I hate the English language.

Also, I wanted to do this earlier (like, last night) but there was, due to inclement weather, a power outage. Will of God, I suppose.

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As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world in the war on terror. By bringing hope to the oppressed, and delivering justice to the violent, they are making America more secure.

Making us more secure. Has he missed out on the last four years? Anti-American sentiment is rising and rising, and so is violence against Americans. And the Department of Homeland Security isn't much of a threat to terrorists.

Tonight, members of Congress can take pride in great works of compassion and reform that skeptics had thought impossible. You are raising the standards of our public schools; and you are giving our senior citizens prescription drug coverage under Medicare.

Raising the standards in public schools? I'm tempted to unleash a flurry of links about our education system here, but I'll just settle for the most recent one I have. And Medicare? Come on.

Inside the United States, where the war began, we must continue to give homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets.

"Also, it's helping America realize George Orwell's glorious vision of the future. Slavery is freedom! Yeehaw!"

Last August 11th brought the capture of the terrorist Hambali, who was a key player in the attack in Indonesia that killed over 200 people. We are tracking Al Qaeda around the world and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed. Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on a manhunt, going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves and, one by one, we will bring the terrorists to justice.

Osama-wha'?

These killers, joined by foreign terrorists, are a serious, continuing danger. Yet we are making progress against them. The once all-powerful ruler of Iraq was found in a hole, and now sits in a prison cell. Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have captured or killed 45. Our forces are on the offensive, leading over 1,600 patrols a day, and conducting an average of 180 raids every week. We are dealing with these thugs in Iraq, just as surely as we dealt with Saddam Hussein's evil regime.

A scene from one such patrol -- slideshow.

Colonel Qadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off, and far more secure, without weapons of mass murder. Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not. And one reason is clear: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible and no one can now doubt the word of America.

Yeah. "Do as we say or we'll level your whole goddamned country" is pretty effective. Like, when you go to borrow money from a friend. Just ask, and your chances are up in the air. Take a baseball bat, though -- shoo-in. Self-interest over morality, that's the American way!

Our closest allies have been unwavering. America's intelligence personnel and diplomats have been skilled and tireless. And the men and women of the American military they have taken the hardest duty. We have seen their skill and courage in armored charges, and midnight raids, and lonely hours on faithful watch. We have seen the joy when they return, and felt the sorrow when one is lost. I have had the honor of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts, from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific, to a mess hall in Baghdad.

Yup. We've "felt the sorrow when one is lost" about 2,000 times now.

But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power. We are seeking all the facts already the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations.

There it is! Weapons of mass destruction-related program activities! Say that ten times fast. For anyone confused on the definition of "weapons of mass destruction-related program activities," it's basically "any activity that can be linked to manufacturing WMD in whatever paranoid fantasy we can conjure up." Notice, though, that he failed to mention the complete and total lack of WMD in Iraq. Strange he'd forget that, huh?

Some critics have said our duties in Iraq must be internationalized. This particular criticism is hard to explain to our partners in Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, the Netherlands, Norway, El Salvador, and the 17 other countries that have committed troops to Iraq. As we debate at home, we must never ignore the vital contributions of our international partners, or dismiss their sacrifices.

If I may interject -- a word on the Coalition.

We also hear doubts that democracy is a realistic goal for the greater Middle East, where freedom is rare. Yet it is mistaken, and condescending, to assume that whole cultures and great religions are incompatible with liberty and self-government. I believe that God has planted in every heart the desire to live in freedom. And even when that desire is crushed by tyranny for decades, it will rise again.

"The Christian God, I mean. Not any of those faggy other gods."

America is a nation with a mission, and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire.

Check out this site. Particularly, this: "Hitler denied that there were any troop movements, and told the Czech Ambassador that he had no aggressive designs on Czechoslovakia..." and what followed soon after. Not that I'm comparing George Bush to Hitler or anything.

Blah blah blah economy.

I'm paraphrasing there, of course. Anyhow, an interesting, if old, article on our economy. (Yes, I'm recycling links.)

A strong America

must also value the institution of marriage. I believe we should respect individuals as we take a principled stand for one of the most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilization. Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute protects marriage under federal law as a union of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states. ... Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives. On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard. If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage. (Applause.)

"We can't let the gays get married. If they start breeding, they'll be everywhere!"

May God bless the United States of America. Thank you.

Yeah, I got bored and skipped to the end. Can you blame me?

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For the sake of irony, this is taken from the FoxNews transcript.