Breaking News! |October 16, 2004|

Breaking News!

Because Real News Sucks

That old debate has reared its ugly, ignorant head once again: Did Noah’s flood actually happen? What, outside of the infantile need to prove to the world that an invisible friend is real, has brought about the new interest in this tired argument that flies in the face of all accepted science and archaeology? A discovery of ruins in the Black Sea. The study, unfortunately, wielded about as much definitive evidence as attempts to find the ark -- absolutely none. Undaunted, creationists cling to hope like a child through divorce, with several unbiased “studies” (which hope to prove once and for all whether the Flood actually happened or if scientists are stupid for not abandoning all accumulated knowledge and admitting the Flood actually happened) currently underway. One found a house at the bottom of the Black Sea. While this sounds like definitive evidence for a global flood , it, surprisingly, was not -- the site was apparently contaminated by, um… wood. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Contaminated by wood.

In a related story, the ultra-conservative Supreme Court Justices have decided to re-examine an earlier ruling that banned the display of the Ten Commandments in government buildings. The Justices (whose job it is to examine the constitution and decipher how our founding fathers might feel about issues they never imagined in their wildest opiate-induced, post-slave-raping dreams) have decided the Constitution may have changed its mind sometime between 1980 and today. Rev. Nutriel, a preacher at Podunk Valley Baptist, said of the decision: “I think it’s great. I hope we can finally shake off this governmental religious oppression. Christians should be free to worship in whatever way they wish, even if that worship is merely being reminded of God’s divine law at the DMV.” When asked if he thought this might be seen as discriminatory toward other religions, Nutriel responded; “Listen, we live in a wonderful land -- God bless it -- and, unfortunately, no matter what you do, be it pandering to the heathens or following the holy mandates of the one true God, you’re going to offend someone. They have no right getting upset.” When asked if he thought the teachings of Buddha or excerpts from the Vedas or Koran should accompany the Ten Commandments, Rev. Nutriel did not respond, choosing instead to die of heart attack as he fought to choke back his seething hatred for equality. May God rest his soul.

Not only do we find out Iraq didn’t have WMD or even the ability to manufacture, but, according to the International Atomic Energy Agency , equipment that could potentially be used to manufacture nuclear weapons have gone missing -- after the US led invasion. Democrats rolled their eyes and shrugged, Republicans were heard to utter “Really? …oops…” and President Bush denied the reports, calling the IAEA a bunch of terrorist-sympathizing fags.

Guess what else has disappeared -- people!

Michael Jackson has objected to the new Eminem video that pokes fun at his plastic surgery, taste for young boys and tendency to set himself on fire, among other things. I think it’s interesting Jackson felt this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. National publications, major news sources, local and international media, movies, television, radio -- those guys are cool, they can attack him in whatever vicious manner they choose. But, Eminem? Too far, man. Too far.

Dick and Lynne Cheney have objected to John Kerry’s mention of their daughter during the last presidential debate. While some might view it as a ploy to draw attention from the fact that Bush lost three out of three debates, or to draw attention from comments Bush made about not knowing whether or not homosexuality was a choice (a cop out if there ever was one), or to draw attention from the fact that this administration has been the most anti-gay administration in the history of America, I say these objections are completely legitimate. And I for one am offended by the comments Edwards made about Cheney’s daughter during the Vice Presidential debates, am offended that Mr. Cheney thanked him for those comments, and I’m offended that Mr. Cheney mentioned his gay daughter on the campaign trail. A man who would use his own daughter in such a cheap and tawdry way is a man who would say anything to win an election.

A New York Times article titled "Are Americans Better Off economically Under Bush?" lists a few statistics I found interesting: The national average income has risen, thanks to Bush’s tax cuts. But what’s really funny is -- and, this is hard to believe -- the national median has dropped. What does that mean? Well, basically, the average is rising because everyone is lumped together in that statistic. But, the median is dropping because only the rich are getting richer. So, not only are those in the middle not getting wealthier, but prices on everything are skyrocketing -- average college tuition is up to $10,636 from $8,841 in 2000-1 (20.3%); gas prices are up to $1.98 from $1.41 (40.4%); Healthcare costs are up 64%; Medicare premiums are up 17%; prescription drug costs are up 12%; and the median household income has dropped by $1,535 from $44,853 in the year 2000 to $43,318 today. What does that mean? It means the answer is “no.” Unless you make $112,000 a year or more, you’re not better off. Oh, um… forgot to put a joke here… uh... Two Jews walk into a bar. The third one ducks. hahahaha… ahhh… Bar.

Princess Margarita of the Netherlands has put an ad in a newspaper announcing to the world that her husband has gone missing and that she wants to divorce him. The couple have been having trouble for a while. The bride accused her family of being against them, slandered them publicly, only to find out she had married a deadbeat -- thus proving that even Dutch royalty can be white trash. She has apologized for her actions and hopes that the rest of the royal family will let her move back into the trailer palace.

I hate Jesus. Towns all over the south and Midwest are calling for Halloween to be moved from Sunday to Saturday, because Sunday is a day of the Lord and Halloween is a holiday for the devil. But, many towns refuse to make the change because sane people object too much. While it would seem the real controversy is with the people too stupid to understand that zombies are 1) not real, and therefore 2) not of the devil, or that this just shows how pleasure and religion are in direct opposition, or that Christians have forgotten Halloween is one of their holidays, the real controversy is in God’s strong-arm tactics. Says Boomer Nutriel, a longtime Satanist, “Yeah. This keeps happening more and more [frequently]. Last time, in 1999. God just can’t stand to let us have our own day.” Mr. Nutriel’s attorney said this about the issue: “We’re bringing a lawsuit against God. It’s obvious this entity’s greed will not allow him/her/it to share the people of the world. We’re bringing an antitrust suit to the courts in an effort to stop this monopoly on spirituality.” Boomer then sacrificed a human infant and laughed maniacally, invoking Satan to come and smite the infidels -- as all Satanists do on a daily basis.

And, for those of you too dumb to make the connection between Halloween Sunday, abortion and gay marriage, Ryan Thompson made the connection all the way back in Fenruary (which is either a misspelled February or a new, less evil month invented by the right-wing Christian. You can never be sure when confronted with this level of idiocy), and he’ll explain it to you in all its mind-numbing detail!