Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition

Oh boy.

Pat Robertson is back in the news, and the world wonders why he can't go a month without saying something stupid. This time, Jesus told him to call for the assassination of the President of Venezuela. Why? Ahdunno, something about communism or Islam or something. Just pick one of the Christian buzzwords for "evil-doer."

Muslim calls to jihad: evil, Satan, Hell.

Christian calls to death and destruction: priceless.

According to our sources within the "700 Club," Robertson showed up that particular day with a "strong stench of communion wine."

"I wouldn't say he was belligerently drunk," said the source, who asked to remain unnamed (hint: rhymes with Rordon Gobertson). "But, you know, I wouldn't say he wasn't belligerently drunk, either." He went on to explain he wasn't really sure what Robertson was like sober, but was pretty sure he's "just damned crazy" most of the time, no matter what.

Tensions between the staff of the 700 Club and President Chavez have been strained since the Christmas party incident, where, I'm sure you know, Robertson vomited in the punch just before Chavez was about to ladle himself a cup. Chavez later commented he felt "the man with the red face and indigestion," meaning, we assume, Robertson, had been "quite rude." It also doesn't help that poor people like the President. Robertson has severe allergies to poverty. Also, shellfish.

Some would say Robertson's remarks are hypocritical, what with his criticism of President Bush's 2003 call for Liberian President Charles Taylor to step down. And I quote:

“How dare the president of the United States say to the duly elected president of another country, 'You've got to step down,'" Robertson said Monday on “The 700 Club,” broadcast from his Christian Broadcasting Network.

But, really, that's what Robertson does best. Like his stance on abortion. White fetuses? Sacred. Brownish fetuses? Ha. Or, more entertainingly, check this one out. Oh, Pat, you scoundrel!

Personally, and this is entirely in the spirit of the Golden Rule, I think it's time to call for Mr. Robertson's assassination. Someone could go clean with it -- maybe suffocation? -- but I think he'd prefer a more traditional death, ie: crucifixion. Really seal the deal on that Christ complex.

Any takers?