See Bambi Die... Online!

I was watching television the other day -- something I, being lonely and on the loser side of life, do often -- when I stumbled upon the Outdoor Channel. I don't reember what happened next... perhaps the batteries in my remote suddenly died. Maybe I was struck momentarily retarded by the very idea of a television channel dedicated to the outdoors ("And now, we'll show you what you could see if you weren't too fat or lazy to look out your own window..."). Maybe God had a plan. Ahdunno, but I watched.

What I saw was a paraplegic man (Dale Hagberg was his name, I believe) dressed in full camo gear crying as he blew into a straw connected to his computer. Maybe it just reminded me of my own life, which doesn't seem to be that far removed from his... but I watched. And, why was he crying? Because he was about to kill something online.

Have you ever seen a deer in real life? I have. A lot. Growing up in the south, though, I usually saw them hanging upside down with their intestines in a beer cooler. When they aren't dead and reeking of death juice, deer are actually quite stunning creatures. Question-your-sexuality pretty. And we all have fond memories of hating that sonuvabitch that killed Bambi's mother, right? So why, oh why, do people kill these animals? I have a couple of theories.

1. They just taste good. This is a very good theory, as deer do in fact taste good. I'm a vegetarian and have sworn off all meat, but even I get a little watery in the mouth area when I visit my grandfather while he preparing one of his famous deer feasts (battered, fried deermeat, deer meat gravy, deer sausage and deer stew served up with biscuits, potatoes and all manner of southern staples), and a little sad when I'm stuck eating fried potatoes wrapped in a biscuit instead of that wonderful meat. Then, of course, I remember the evil murdering bastard from Bambi and my will is restored. But, it must be something more. Lots of animals taste good, but we don't hunt them. There's no chicken season.There's no pig season. I had a cousin who tried hunting cow and apparently that's illegal, what with them being entirely domesticated or whatever. So, I posit...
2. Hillbillies love to kill shit.

It's #2. This man proved it.

Ask a hunter what it is he likes about unting and you'll most likely get some bullshit excuse. "I like the peace of the outdoors" or "I like to commune with nature" or "I'm secretly gay and I use it as an excuse to lure men into secluded areas" or whatever. Any non-hunter in the world can say that's retarded, seing as you could get the same experience from a simple camping trip, but until this man I never had any solid evidence that hunting was just plain old bloodlust. How does he prove this? I'm glad you asked.

This man was/is as crippled as a man can be without being dead. He can't move or, I gather, feel anything from the neck down. He's so crippled his voice comes out as a bunch of clicks and gasps. His camo outfit looks to be made of felt and simply draped across him so he wouldn't have to be disturbed. He's probably lying in his own waste. There is no way he could ever hunt again. So, what does he do? Does he ask to be taken camping? No. Does he seek out a website dedicated to communing with nature? No. Does he look for a site that sells a butchers excess deermeat? (They're out there.) No. What he does do is weep at the thought of watching a deer get (hopefully) fatally wounded on his monitor.

There's no morning dew on his boots. There's no "thrill of the hunt." There is only the prospect of blowing and sucking the cursor into position, waiting for a deer (they're pinned up in the area surrounding the camera/gun system that's allowing this glorious hunt) to wander by so he can shoot it and watch it hop off, lopsided, slow a bit, shudder, fall, twitch and die. He's weeping because of theory #2.

Sane legislators, such as those liberal loonies in Califounya, as their governor calls it, are making slaughter sites such as the one Mr. Hagberg was using illegal. The ban is recommended by other weirdos like the California Sportsmen's Association, Safari Club International and the Outdoor Sportsman's Coalition of California. In short, even other godless butcherers are saying this is a stupid idea.

And yet advocates are using Mr. Hagberg as an example of exactly why we should allow sites like these. They can't help being the way thay are. Why can't you, you cold, heartless bastards... Why can't you let them relive their past glory? Where is your compassion? Where is your empathy?

Well, mine's twitching next to a deer carcass, thank you. Some druken shut-in just blasted it from his bathroom a thousand miles away.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The happy ending: Mr. Hagberg's hunt was a bust. No deer died. ... That time.