Propaganda in HDTV

America is preparing to launch an Arab-language propaganda channel in Europe in order to combat Al-Jazeera's influence on budding extremists.

In a recent phone interview with $6 Bill, President Bush said of the plan, "I think it's great. Bloody brilliant. That's a phrase I learned in Europe. I was just in Europe. That's where Al-Hurra'll be. Europe's a backward place. See, in a normal, civilized country, you make pie out of apples. Or maybe cherries. In Europe, they make pies out of steak and kidneys. That's crazy. We need to change that. That's what Al-Hurra's for.

"Even the name is perfect," he continued. "Like a Hurra-cane. Or, you know, 'Hurra up, now! Get going!' Get it? It's like a pun or something. Didn't think I was that clever, did you? Yeehaw."

Critics of the plan (cough) say the idea that a cable channel can alter the central ideology of a group of people is "kind of retarded," but agree that it fits in with the rest of America's War on Terror.

Programming information has not been released, but experts predict it'll consist largely of an "American" theme, and will represent the nuances of American culture. A source, though, told $6 Bill of a few programs that may make it to air...

• Episodes of the 700 Club (heavily edited to exclude any Muslim-bashing remarks) will show a love for Jesus can make you fat and happy, like Pat Robertson, because Christians never kill people.
  
• In a similar vein, an original program my be shown, tentatively titled "Jesus Isn't Just for White People!"
  
• Old episodes of American Idol, to show how anyone can become successful in America just so long as they lose any semblance of self-identity and learn to dance on command, while simultaneously showing how cool Americans (represented by Randy Jackson and possibly Paula Abdul) are in contrast to the rest of the world (represented by Simon Cowell, who may or may not be renamed Globey McRepresentstheworld for syndication).

In other Bush propaganda news, his new target for his 30-year-old Social Security lies: kids. Impressionable children. Well, okay, he's only going after "young workers," but I wanted to italicize something. Anyhow, exactly how he'll convince the younger voters where he failed to do so with the older crowd is unknown, but sources say an Extreme™ cartoon mascot may be involved. Some skateboarding, a few giant X's, some punkish theme music, a couple pop-culture references and you're golden.