NEWSFLASH!

Men, women different. Men like tools; women talk a lot.
World stunned.

When asked how it feels to restate obvious crap that's been hashed out in every single one of those annoying emailed jokes my grandmother sends me (old people shouldn't be allowed around computers. Or jokes), Michael Gurian, the scientist behind this ground-breaking study, said, "I'm king of the world!' and quickly added, "I'm going to Disneyland!"

Said Gurian on children's relationships with dolls,

"That doll becomes life-like to [a] girl, but you give it to a two-year-old boy and you are more likely, not all the time, but you are more likely than not to see that boy try to take the head off the doll ... He thinks spatial-mechanical. He's using the doll as an object."

(Thus the boy prepares for future relationships with real girls.)

Stay tuned to $6 Bill for future developments.