Fun with Televangelism!

It’s late. She can feel the time in her bones as she shuffles across the floor, her light purple slippers rustling the matted shag carpet of her living room. She’s in her nightgown and cap, ready to slip off to bed as soon as she’s finished with her "TV time." Slowly, painfully, she settles onto the couch, picking up the heavy remote to her 20 year old Zenith and watching the TV flicker on. That patch of green in the corner goes away after the set has a chance to warm up.

On the screen is a young man, his hair carefully coiffed, his voice strong and commanding. A gold wristwatch shines out from under the sleeves of his suit, and his shoes glint in the spotlight as he strides like a caged tiger from one side of the stage to the other. In front of him is an audience of thousands -- a coliseum of people singing, moaning, swaying from side to side, or, occasionally, just watching and listening.

The man begins his familiar speech. Act now, he says, and you can become wealthy beyond your needs. Send him money, and you’ll be rewarded sevenfold. Come see him, and your illnesses and ailments will fade away. And on your way out, stop by the lobby to pick up one of the many books, CD’s, movies, t-shirts, bits of jewelry, knick-knacks, toys, and more, available.

You know the scene. Everyone in America is familiar with it. You can catch it every day on TBN or CTN or any of the countless Christian broadcasting stations all across the nation -- hell, all around the globe. Televangelism is a phenomenon in the mid and southwest United States, with millions of viewers turning on, tuning in and looking up.

The beginnings of televangelism were humble. Evangelicals found a broad audience when they took to radio waves, with early successes like the vehemently anti-Communist Father Charles Coughlin in the 1930’s, who counted a third of the nation amongst his flock at the height of his popularity. His sermons, though, soon turned increasingly anti-Semitic and he was asked to relinquish his position. But, the seed of popular preaching was sewn, and numerous evangelicals made a home on the radio. Soon, though, a new medium brought new stars to the American people -- television.

Oh, glorious television! A soul-sucking distraction for the weary, a parent to today’s disaffected youth and a best friend to the dog whose owners have left town for a few days. The wonders of television are endless, I tell you. Television shows entertain, educate, challenge, and sexually arouse countless viewers every day. And television is crucial to televangelism (what with the “tele” part of the word and all).

Televangelism is an extension of the revival-tent fad that started during the Great Depression and continued through the 60’s and 70’s, with preachers visiting a town and entertaining large groups of people beneath tents (the more modern equivalent would be an arena or stadium). These tent revivals were soon being touted by the media and even shown on television -- voila, televangelism is born.

The popularity of televangelism grew exponentially, with the Christian broadcasting networks popping up all over. Soon, names like Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were well known to everyone, and televangelism went from revival-tent extension to a full blown, self-sustaining organism of its own. An American tradition was created, and many people owe their faith to that.

Today, televangelism is a creature all its own, self-sustaining and seemingly unstoppable. Countless people like the fictional example from the first two paragraphs of this essay “turn on, tune in and look up” every day. But, is televangelism as innocent as televangelists would have you believe? In the words of Ole Anthony, televangelism is “a miltibillion-dollar industry … untaxed and unregulated, that prays on the elderly and the desperate.”

Are these words too harsh? Well, let’s look at some of televangelism’s superstars, and their actions.

Benny Hinn -- Benny is perhaps one of the biggest televangelists out there today -- hell (forgive the double-entendre), ever. He tours the country constantly, performing for coliseums chock-full of people, all of them singing and swaying, praying for a miracle. He practices the time-honored televangelist tradition of “faith healing,” where he calls out to the Lord to heal any assortment of ailments in people who approach him onstage.

His ministry’s revenue probably exceeds $100 million (tax free, remember) a year, quite a bit of which probably goes to him. Notice how I said probably (twice)? Know why? Well, and I’m guessing this is due to the whole “separation of church and state” thing, religious organizations aren’t required to disclose financial whatnots to the government, which means the public (who usually gets information out of the government via the Freedom of Information Act) is left unawares, too. That means that those gigantic churches you see erected in the big cities, with the stained glass windows and cavernous fellowship halls, not only don’t pay taxes but have no -- absolutely no -- accountability for their allocation of funds. Kind of makes you want to start up your own church, huh?

So, what damning evidence do we have against Brother Benny? Plenty, plenty.

Dateline had a special report on Hinn some time ago. For a full transcript, go here. If you aren’t in the mood to read through all that, here are some highlights…

• Benny’s services seem to be as well choreographed as a (Christian) ballet. An orchestra and a choir warm up the crowd, with Pastor Hinn arriving onstage just as they start performing “How Great Thou Art.” The preacher does a little preaching, then inevitably announces that God is speaking to him. “At all of the evening crusades [Dateline] attended, it was about 10 p.m. when Hinn announced God was speaking to him.” Then begins the healing. Is the choreography a crime, or even wrong? No, not at all. But, some skeptics (cough) think it odd that God always chooses the same time to speak to the pastor.

• Bad grammar. "She had cancer in the lungs. She don't have it now!" Again, not wrong, per se, but annoying.

• Pastor Benny, as far as I know, has never healed a single person. And if he has, he has failed to get documented proof for this fact. Every source I’ve seen has either offered no proof or purposely made reference to the fact that there is no proof. Granted, my research methods aren’t the most thorough -- just a cursory Google search of “proof healed Benny Hinn” -- but one would think if there were miraculous healings going on, there would be at least one documented case. And on the flipside of the issue, there are documented cases of failed healings. Belva Ventura and her son were both “healed” of cancer by Pastor Benny. They both died shortly afterward. Of cancer.

• Mr. Hinn lives very comfortably. At the time of the Dateline report, he was, while on the road, staying at $1,000+ a night hotels and flying around in a Concorde jet, which cost over $8,000 round trip. When not on the road, Mr. Hinn took advantage of his churches parsonage program, where the church picks up the tab on a pastor’s home, building a nearly $4 million home. Again, this isn’t wrong, but it’s (arguably) immoral, considering Pastor Benny’s position.

• Benny Hinn lies.

I’d like to take this opportunity to make sure we’re all clear on this faith healing concept. These people believe that demons -- demons, mind you -- cause diseases. This isn’t just archaic. This isn’t just superstitious. This is absolutely ignorant. No no, worse, it’s stupid. My apologies if you’re among those who believe bad spirits gave you the flu, but, honestly, do you cast fortunes using chicken bones, too? Do you avoid black cats? Still convinced the world is a table resting on the back of a great tortoise?

Peter Poppoff -- Peter Poppoff was big in the mid-to-late 80’s, attracting millions of followers and at one time counting a monthly budget of around $550,000. One of the big draws was Poppoff’s amazing ability to call on people in his audience he had never met or had any contact with and tell them exactly what ailed them before partaking in the timeless act of faith healing. It was uncanny. And it’s obvious God was whispering in his ear.

By “God,” of course, I mean his wife. And by “ear,” of course, I’m referring to the fact that he wore an earpiece. See how clever I am?

See, there was this investigation. The Amazing Randi, a magician and psychic investigator, and a team of electronic surveillance experts staked out Mr. Poppoff. They found a few interesting things.

Before appearances, Elizabeth Poppoff, Peter’s wife, and several volunteers would mingle amongst the crowd of people waiting, asking them what they needed help with -- illness and debt are the two most popular subjects for televangelists -- and, for some strange reason, taking notes. And then, Pastor Poppoff would take the stage, and, strangely, called on only those people his wife and her helpers had spoken to, and in the same order they were approached. While some might think this miraculous, some would say those people are idiots.

The investigators had a hunch. The same one you probably have by now, that Poppoff was full of (holy) shit. And, after spying a shiny white object poking out of Poppoff’s ear, they decided to scan for and monitor any radio transmissions during his broadcast. During a service by Poppoff, a heavenly voice could be heard through their headsets, saying “Hello, Petey. I love you! I'm talking to you. Can you hear me? If you can't you're in trouble, 'cause I'm talking as well as I can!” While I’m sure you’d assume it was God or perhaps an angel, it wasn’t. It was Jesus. And by “Jesus,” of course, I mean “Poppoff’s wife, Elizabeth.” (Just as funny the second time. That takes skill.)

Yes, it seems Poppoff’s divine gift of knowledge was nothing more than his wife broadcasting her notes at 39.17 megahertz. Another lying televangelist.

Pat Robertson -- I can’t stand this man. He’s an idiot, plain and simple. I remember when I was much younger, my grandmother would frequently watch the 700 Club, and even then I could understand that much of what was being said was absolutely wrong. A wonderful quote of his:

"The Constitution of the United States, for instance, is a marvelous document for self-government by the Christian people. But the minute you turn the document into the hands of non-Christian people and atheistic people they can use it to destroy the very foundation of our society. And that's what's been happening." -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, Dec. 30, 1981

The constitution, keep in mind, was not constructed entirely by Christians. In fact, if Pat Robertson had been around at the time, he’d have been outraged at some of the heathens that were allowed to participate (details here), as we see in this quote that declares his intent to only employ Christians and Jews if he’s ever elected President (one of many reasons Mr. Robertson will never be elected President):

"When I said during my presidential bid that I would only bring Christians and Jews into the government, I hit a firestorm. `What do you mean?' the media challenged me. `You're not going to bring atheists into the government? How dare you maintain that those who believe in the Judeo Christian values are better qualified to govern America than Hindus and Muslims?' My simple answer is, `Yes, they are.'" --from Pat Robertson's "The New World Order," page 218

Pat Robertson is no history buff. To further illustrate this point, a magazine ad for Regent University (Patty’s school) had this quote (man, I love these quotes) attributed to James Madison:

"We have staked the whole of our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God."

That’s a pretty nifty quote for Christians to throw around, but Madison never said that. Ever. And, if he did, he was being sarcastic. Details here.

Robertson is also, of course, one of the men who blamed the 9-11 attacks on the ACLU, abortionists, feminists, gays and the People for the American Way, saying the actions of these people led God to want to allow the slaughter of innocent Americans. Why would God choose a target for the attacks that has absolutely nothing to do with any of these groups? Why did God allow this to happen when it would do absolutely nothing to these groups? (These questions are rhetorical.)

Pat Robertson is an idiot.

Jim Bakker -- Oh, here’s a good one.Jim Bakker has done a lot for televangelism. He helped build CBN, Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network, in its early days, originated the Christian talk-show format that is still in use with the 700 Club, and helped devise the show Praise the Lord for TBN, which is still on the air every day.

Bakker soon started building his own empire. Not only did he have his own ministry, “Praise the Lord,” that was being constantly broadcast via satellite all across the nation, but he had his own theme park. He had a theme park. The third most popular theme park in America during the early 1980’s. He had a theme park.

Then came the scandals.

Bakker had apparently been sleeping around with a woman (Jessica Hahn) who, though he had paid her some$265,000 in hush money, was threatening to make the whole affair public. Soon, all manner of shocking details made their way into the public eye. Bakker and his wife were each receiving $200,000 annual salaries, alongside Jim’s nearly $4 million in bonuses, which they used to acquire a $600,000 home in Palm Springs, four condos in California and a Rolls Royce, among other things. Some of their expenditures included: $100,000 to charter a private jet to deliver the Bakker‘s clothes across country; $100 for cinnamon rolls so the Bakker’s could have the smell in their hotel room; $25,000 for a facelift -- for Jim; $8,500 for an anniversary bash at a Charlotte restaurant; $10,000 for a shopping spree in New York; etc., etc., etc. Bakker’s escapades were so sinful Jerry Fallwell called him “the greatest scab and cancer on the face of Christianity in two thousand years of church history.” (Fallwell is apparently unfamiliar with the last two thousand years of church history.)

The fault, though, didn’t lie with Bakker. As he explained, “I wickedly manipulated by treacherous former friends who victimized me with the aid of a female confederate.” Those God damned confederates.

Bakker was arrested, charged and convicted of fraud, tax evasion and racketeering, served about 5 years of a 45 year sentence and is currently hosting “The Jim Bakker Show,” based in Branson Missouri. I have seen the billboards for the show, and I can say Bakker has done at least one good thing since leaving prison -- abandoned those stupid toupees.

Fred Phelps -- This guy isn’t a televangelist, and his congregation is actually pretty small, consisting mostly of family members, but since I’m railing against preachers, I thought I’d bring him up.

Fred Phelps is the mastermind behind the God Hates Fags movement. The website for his church, Westboro Baptist, GodHatesFags.com, is perhaps the most un-Christian, hate-filled collection of bile to ever grace a computer screen. Phelps and his ilk picket any event they get wind of that is remotely homosexually oriented -- like gay pride parades, pro-gay marriage rallies and funerals. Yes, this bastard and his followers picket funerals, screaming and wailing, holding up signs to mourners assuring them their deceased loved one is burning in hell. Just like Jesus would.

Phelps has possibly the creepiest bio photo I’ve ever seen. It looks like a DMV photographer broke into his house in the middle of the night, woke him up with a golf cleat to the face and snapped a picture with a homemade camera. Strangely absent from his bio are his tendencies to beat his wife and children and his disbarment from practicing law (due to ethical violations).

Not only is Phelps vehemently homophobic but racist, often making a point to declare and ridicule the race or alternative religious beliefs of those who fall under his Satanic gaze.

Among some of his most vile stunts -- two press releases praising the tsunami that wracked Asia as God’s work, condemning the Swedish and American victims to hell as being supporters of homosexuality.

Oddly enough, God has allowed Phelps to develop a life-threatening disease (either cancer or Parkinson’s), giving rise to my suspicion that he is a homosexual.

Paul Crouch -- Mr. Crouch is the head honcho behind TBN. You can see him everyday hosting the hit TBN show Praise the Lord (mentioned in the Jim Bakker section) swaddled in the gold and purple set design, next to his wife, the pink-wigged blessing to the makeup industry, Jan. They seem to be genuinely good people, though I say this having never met them. They could be royal assholes for all I know. But, in researching televangelists, I ran across a startling little fact -- Paul Crouch, the leader of the largest Christian broadcasting network in the world, once paid a man $425,000 not to go public with accusations of a homosexual tryst he (allegedly) had with Mr. Crouch.

The man has a history of drug abuse (Mr. Crouch and his organization helped him out of drug-related jams many a time when they employed him) and is obviously trying to extort substantial amounts of money from Crouch and TBN. But does that mean the allegations are untrue? According to Rick Jones, a retired police officer and ordained minister, Benny Hinn (remember him?) gossiped about the tryst on at least one occasion in a manner that alluded to his belief that it had actually happened. This does seem to lend the claim a little validity.

***

As the title suggests, this is just a fun article. I’m in no way trying to imply that all televangelists are crooks and liars. Just most of them. Also, the followers of these holy men truly believe in them, and are just trying to feed their faith through energetic leaders. They should not be considered as immoral as these preachers.

There’s no point to this essay. I just don’t like televangelists.