Breaking News! |February 1, 2005|

Breaking News!

Cancer of the Soul

What's this? Colombia? Cocaine?! Who knew.

Oh, come on. Who hasn't sent threatening letters under a false identity?

Rough sex! (There’s an attention grabber.) Tasmanian Devils -- the real ones, not the lispy, spinny cartoon ones -- may be slowly killing themselves off, thanks to their taste for rough foreplay. But, really, if you had to choose…

A police officer in South Carolina used a stun gun on a 75-year-old woman who was upset that her friend may have died. Read that sentence again. No, go ahead. Really read it. Did you read it? Congratulations. And welcome to humanity.

The new timetable for an exit from Iraq is set at a tentative 18 months by the Iraqi interior minister. President Bush could only laugh and laugh.

I hate people. No, honestly. I just hate people. And here’s another reason why -- Abraham Lincoln is dead. He has been for, like, four-score years or something. I don’t really know much about him. And I’m not really sure I have the right definition for “score” in my head. But, he’s dead. There’s a book coming out (no pun intended) that uses quite a few sources of information to piece together the case that Lincoln was gay, or at least bisexual. Fair enough, he may have been. I liked him before having this information, and, you know what? I like him a little more after getting this information. But there’s actually a controversy over this. Cha. Why? I’m… not really sure. But, what do you know: here, here, and here, to give a few examples. Jesus W. Christ, people. Pick your battles.

The Iraqi elections are over. Well, this round, at least. But excuse me if I fail to jump for joy. Yes, it’s a great thing. We’re (hopefully) bringing a little freedom to people that have known nothing but violence and oppression, and we’re working toward an exit (or something like it) from Iraq. But, from what I’ve read, the Iraqi elections were about as legitimate as, well, ours.

Strangely, some people still believe in morality.

Monkeys. Everyone loves them. They’re like us if we were, you know… smaller, and hairier, and comfortable being nude in a cage while countless strangers watch us touch ourselves inappropriately. Well, another parallel between humans and monkeys has been found -- monkeys like porn.

Ford Motor Company has seen its sales drop steadily as companies like Nissan have gobbled up the market shares and seen their sales rise. Ford is famous for such vehicles as the Explorer, which had a tendency to flip when one hit large anthills, the Pinto, which had a tendency to burst into flames if caught in a modest breeze, and the newer F-Series, which eats babies. It’s true.

Microsoft has released the final version of their new search engine after three months of beta testing. The software giant is famous, of course, not for originating ideas, but for stealing the ideas of others and throwing money around to ensure success. After copying Apple with Windows, copying Sony with the X-Box, and now copying Google, one can only guess as to who’s going to be copied next.

That’s weird. I was on Zoloft for quite some time (hard to believe, eh?) and I don’t remember killing my grandparents.