Breaking News! |January 4, 2005|

Breaking News!

The Voice of America
(if America was an eighteen year old pothead)

In Atlanta, Georgia, police shut down a live stage show, declaring it pornographic. Apparently, plain clothed officers had to sit through much of the performance of “Naked Boys Singing” to realize it was about naked, singing men. Says Chuck Nutriel, ranking officer on the scene, “Yeah, we’ve had to sit through this show two or three times before we could make a decision. Bill even bought the DVD and took it home to study -- that’s how dedicated he is.”

America has never been safer! Airport security may lose a bomb, but by God, they spot it first! Baggage screeners at the Newark Liberty International Airport in New Jersey, after hours of screening luggage for an Amsterdam-bound flight, found and then lost a fake bomb, planted by a supervisor, that couldn’t be recovered until the flight had landed at its destination. This vault of an airport was also one of the airports used by the 9-11 hijackers.

“Justice should be fair,” the President said. “You shouldn’t be allowed to sue big business. It’s just not right. If we leak toxic chemicals into the environment, and you’re harmed by that -- is that really our fault? Aren’t you the one who lives near toxic chemicals? Chew on that one.”

The Westboro Baptist Church (the God Hates Fags crew) just issued two statements concerning the recent tsunami, condemning both the Swedish and American victims to hell for sodomy. How did these God-fearing Christians make the leap from tsunami to homosexuality? Well. If you can’t see the connection for yourself, you need to examine your heart a little more, you godless heathen. The irony, though, is that they’re condemning the Americans for the simple fact that they’re Americans. Westboro Baptist is located in Topeka, Kansas. I think the lesson we can learn from this is: when Muslims condemn an entire state because of their religious beliefs, and celebrate the deaths of citizens of that state, it’s wrong. When Christians do it… well. That’s just tough love, isn’t it?

It turns out Guantanamo Bay, the prison we so affectionately refer to as “Gitmo,” isn’t the jolly fun land the administration is trying to make it out to be. The prisoners, in an unexpected twist that has no precedent in American history (denial is delicious), were tortured in countless elaborate ways that, under Geneva standards, are inhumane, illegal and pretty damned evil. But, remember -- it’s the terrorists that are the animals here.

Another tidbit from the New York Times: Maureen Dowd examines what the world might be like if Donald Rumsfeld had never been born in an article titled “A Not So Wonderful Life.”

Who says crime doesn’t pay?

Just to ensure that no child gets left behind, the ’Pubs are doing there best to destroy any semblance of an effective education system we have. How‘re they doing it this time? By attacking Pell grants. In a warrior society, the educated are the enemy.

Staples has announced it “will no longer advertise on local news programming on Sinclair Broadcast Group TV stations nationwide” (source) due to the partisan stance Sinclair is so famous for. The announcement comes thanks in part to SinclairAction.com and rational people nationwide.

And, finally, a little commentary on the state of our media.