Breaking News! |November 16, 2004|

Breaking News!

Leaning farther left than a fat man’s Chevette

The Smoking Gun has published the sexual harassment complaint about Bill O’Reilly. Being a fan of Al Franken, I have a natural disgust for O’Reilly, and found the papers… oh, what’s the word… hi-fucking-larious. My favorite part is when he masturbated with the dildo.

Also from TSG, Senorita Walker, a high school teacher from Chicago paid two boys to have sex with her, even giving them pot and booze as extra incentive. Senorita Walker, Karen Ellis, Vincent Jimenez, Mary Kay Letourneau… Am I just going to the wrong schools?

In response to the recent election, Michael Moore is filming another movie – Fahrenheit 9-11 ½. See? Whenever God closes a door, he opens a window.

In “Eh, it was worth a shot” news – Two men tried to give a Sears Auto center employee some pot in exchange for a couple tires. When the employee refused, they swung at him with a baseball bat, stole the tires, and fled. Not satisfied with the level of stupidity in their actions, they decided to ramp things up a little and return to the scene of the crime, looking for the worker, who had thrown a rock at their car and shattered a window. They were promptly arrested. God bless America.

How many of you does it take to pay for grandma’s Social Security check? It takes nine people working at minimum wage to pay for one person’s Social Security check, on average. Now, whenever grandma' yells at you for hanging out with your friends when you were supposed to be checking her oxygen levels (she was only unconcious for, like, ten minutes), you can calmly reply "My friends and I are paying for your Social Security check you stupid, wrinkled whore!" Sure, she'll write you out of the will, but what with the state of Social Security, and the inveitable decline in the next four years, you'd only have gotten her collection of Time Magazines. Man of the year in 1985? Peter Ueberroth.

The government is making its own state-of-the-art internet, described as an “internet in the sky.” Now, where have I… Skynet … that sounds so famili– oh. Dear God.

The Patriot Act is starting to expire. Lawmakers are debating whether or not to renew, amend or discard the highly controversial act that gives the government authority to search your phone records, email, library check-outs, even force your employers to give information about you and search your property without notice. Ooh, fun! We didn’t need those silly “inalienable rights,” anyhow. Supporters say these measures are only used during terrorism investigations, and that normal people shouldn’t worry about the rights being infringed by Big Brother. Because we’ve never made a mistake before. No worries.

Microsoft hates it when other kids get the attention. Google, formerly the undisputed king of search engines, has a new competitor. MSN Search Beta is now up for all to use, and it has some neat-o features. But, like everything Microsoft, it has glitches and imperfections that can be, to say the least, irksome. In the first round of battle, Google issued a knockout. Microsoft is on the mat, sputtering, with Google cackling in delight. Google dances around the ring, chanting, “I’m the world’s greatest! I’m the world’s greatest!” to the cheers and applause of the audience. After a while, Google gets tired and looks down at Microsoft. Microsoft is napping on a pile of money. …Google hates Microsoft so much…

You knew it was going to happen – The DaVinci Code movie. Ron Howard is said to be signed on to direct, with other big names (like Russell Crowe, Kate Beckinsale and Tom Hanks) swirling around the project. Christians have been fighting against the book for some time, and it’s spawned its own little mini-genre, it seems. There’s the fiction book, then the we-don’t-know-what’s-real-and-what’s-not sub-genre, with authors publishing book after book trying to debunk the fiction book. All of these arguments over a guy who never existed – it’s like southern women at Wal-Mart, the day after Thanksgiving. “Ah tol’ mah boy Santy was gettin’ him a goddamn Furby!” “Ah tol’ mah boy Santy was gettin’ him a goddamn Furby!” *brawl*

Ol’ Dirty Bastard is dead. I wasn’t a fan, I don’t know any of the guy’s stuff, but it’s an interesting bit of nothing. Republicans rejoiced at the news – just one more poor black guy with a drug problem they can forget about. …Republicans hate poor people so much…

Europe enters the space race! And only 50 years too late.

I don’t know… Looks more like Renee Zellweger to me…