Breaking News! |October 5, 2004|

Breaking News!

Fair and Balanced Propaganda

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A man in South Carolina robbed a bank with a pitchfork. Apparently the guards at the bank didn’t trust those newfangled “guns” or those dad-blasted “alarms.” Police in Aiken, the town the robbery occurred in, still haven’t found the man, but they hope to have him rounded up within a fortnight. I don’t know where the guy is, but I’m betting he’ll be driving something with a reflective orange triangle on the back. Zeke Nutriel, who was in the bank at the time of the robbery, said “I knew he was trouble the minute he got out of that horseless buggy. Them things is run by devil juice!”

God hates Florida. No, seriously. Two hurricanes in, like, two days, and then the shit with Ivan. My theory? God wants Kerry to win the election. He’s getting Jeb and all those senile illiterate “How do you punch a hole?” improperly counting, electronic-vote inducing Floridians out of the way. Thank you, Lord. You are gracious indeed, and full of love.

(that story shows how long the break was. God has since kicked Florida’s ass again, Bush visited the state, Republicans blamed that for his bad debate performance, and no one seems to have picked up on the fact that God doesn’t want the state to vote.)

President Bush’s post-convention bump, the 11 point lead that had Bush swaggering with pride (well, he’s always done that… But, this time he had a reason) has decreased by 5 to 6 points. Just goes to show you -- propaganda, no matter how angry, has a shelf life. This may be, in part, because of the controversial memo recently uncovered by CBS. The controversy stems from the memo’s allegations that George W. Bush was shown preferential treatment to get into the National Guard, and served, um, less than admirably. Bush himself hasn’t commented, though he says he’s proud of his duty. Not since I saw my cousin naked (don’t ask) have I seen one man proud of so little.

(after losing the bump, Bush gained ground, only to lose it again)

In North Korea there was a giant explosion and a mushroom cloud. There was immediate speculation that this was a nuclear test, though the North Koreans assured the world they were merely bombing the hell out of a mountain in preparation for a hydroelectric plant. When asked to comment, Kim Jong Il, the North Korean leader, giggled and threw his food.

John Kerry has assailed the Bush regime for letting a ban on assault rifles go the way of the dodo (which ironically, was hunted into extinction.). The National Association of Police Organizations (read: America’s law enforcement) has endorsed John Kerry and come out in support of the ban on the rifles, though FoxNews -- let‘s act surprised -- did find a guy in Idaho who says the ban doesn’t matter. Conservative nutcases have always been against any weapons ban -- you know. Because, if you want to protect yourself or go hunting, you need an AK-47 with a flash suppressor, 50 round clip and a folding stock. Everyone knows guns don’t kill people, people kill people. People with assault rifles just kill a lot more people in a lot less time… Many people have claimed that the assault rifle ban would do nothing to curb gun crimes, and in a way they’re right. The number of gun crimes may not change. But that’s not the issue -- the issue is how much damage is done during the crimes. And attention by the gun-nuts is usually paid to how similar the banned guns are to legal guns -- again, smoke and mirror arguments. I’d rather be threatened with a hunting gun than sniped at with a 100-round assault rifle. But that’s just me.

Fatass University just opened up in Fresno, California. Well, it’s called the “Academy of the Sierras,” but that’s more of a formality than anything. The misconception is that the school is designed with fat students in mind, when in reality it’s designed for parents too neglectful to realize it’d be better to take their li’l lard-asses to a gym than drop them off at a $5,500 a month boarding school.

Another Ramone died. This time it was Johnny. For those of you unfamiliar (if there actually is anyone unfamiliar, go kill yourself. No, no, really.), Johnny Ramone (John Cummings) was an original member of The Ramones, the band credited with creating punk rock. The Ramones created it, the Sex Pistols perfected it, The Clash popularized it, Nirvana destroyed it, Good Charlotte raped it on camera. But The Ramones will always remain. It’s a sad day.

Bob Dylan, the anti-rock god, has come out sporting a cute little mustache and a big ol’ book. I don’t know much about the guy, but he’s old, so I have to show respect. Fans everywhere await his next album, tentatively titled “I just shat myself.” You crazy old folk rocker.

The SpaceShipOne crew recently won $10 million for flying into “space” two times in one week. The project is like a beta test for civilian space travel. Yes, one day you may be able to shell out a couple hundred thousand dollars to go miles above the earth and see if those satellites photos were really telling the truth! At the very edges of earth’s atmosphere, where the stars, looking like mere pinpricks here on the surface, look like mere pinpricks! Oh, happy day, oh, happy day!

I love a good rain. The soothing white noise, the cool humid air, the smell of newly released sewage... The Bush regime has proposed a new plan that would allow sewage to be released during rainfalls, or during snow melts. While this would be horrible to humans and wild life, aiding the spread of disease, Ian Nutriel, a representative of BDHE (Bush Doesn’t Hate the Environment), an organization started up to combat the countless attacks on the Bush administration and its disregard for the environment, said “Think of all the vegetation that would benefit from the waves of shit that would be released!”

Anyone who saw the first Presidential Debate probably remembers Kerry’s little slip up: when talking about the vast international coalition, Kerry forgot to mention Poland. President Bush alerted Mr. Kerry of the slip up with his patented smirk -- how could Kerry forget them? After all, they contribute almost 3,000 troops to this war. Or, well, they will until 2005. Poland may pull many or all of its troops out of Iraq by 2005, due to the instability of the nation, for which the Bush administration’s poor planning may or may not be responsible. I’m not one to point fingers.

FoxNews, in their never-ending campaign to chip away at whatever integrity they might still possess, recently “accidentally” let the man who reports on John Kerry “accidentally” post a story on their website that fabricated statements attributed to the future president. While the article itself was a parody -- and even mildly amusing -- it reveals a little bit about Fox. Republican porn. I said it.