Breaking News! |September 8, 2004|

Breaking News!

Your one stop liberal news source.

____________________

For anyone who didn’t catch the GOP rally in New York (unfortunately, no crosses were burned. Blame zoning laws), you missed classic spin in action. And by spin, I of course mean dishonesty. Oh, yes, St. Dubya’ was in rare form, delivering a boring, uneventful speech that merely regurgitated the talking points from the previous speakers speeches, while simultaneously remembering to forget to mention anything relatively close to the truth. But, this isn’t just a trick of Bushmonkey’s -- it’s a Republican thing: Schwarzenegger’s speech has been questioned by historians, and Zell “Angry Leprechaun” Miller’s strange, ignorant, confused speech is being criticized for being over the top and riddled with hypocrisy.

To quote Brody Dalle -- oh, ooh, oh, what a surprise. Turns out the RNC wasn’t just about bringing people together in support of a common goal, no no, it was also political! I know, I was shocked, too. Seems like photo-ops were deliberately staged! For shame, Mr. Bush. For shame.

Here’s another surprise! Not only does Dubya’ seem to have more and more ties to the Swiftboat Douches for Fascism, but it turns out the Douches’ ads are -- shockgaspandamazement -- dishonest! It’s a sad sad day when even bitter old men with a 30-year-old agenda and $40 million worth of partisan funding can‘t be trusted.

FoxNews can’t seem to catch a break. While nearly every being in existence (yes, even the Heavenly Father admits this, though he has yet to officially announce it) acknowledges that Fox is a conservative, right wing, Republican mouthpiece, Fox denies all allegations of this vehemently. But, according to Media Matters for America, Fox’s interests are quite apparent. MMFA has listed several Fairly Unbalanced discrepancies that could, if one were inclined to believe the lies of the liberal media, make one believe they were less than objective. Add to that MoveOn.org’s pending legal action with the network, and the new documentary Outfoxed, and one would assume the honchos at the FoxNews office would be concerned. But, according to Ian Nutriel, Senior Correspondent for the Fox News Channel, “We aren’t real concerned. It’s not like we have a lot of credibility to lose.”

A couple blows to Dubya’s war on terror -- Osama bin Laden’s fortune was apparently overestimated, and there’s no way he could have financed al Qeada all by his lonesome. Turns out, he may have had wealthy contributors in Saudi Arabia. Also, a former victory in the war on terror turns out to be, like so much else in the Bush Whitehouse, all smoke and mirrors (haha, I mean lies).

“Weird” Al Yankovic was attacked by green moths while performing at the Du Quoin State Fair in Illinois. Some would ask, “why did the moths attack him?” Some would ask, “how far has his career sunk that he’s playing an Illinois state fair?” But, I ask, “is not the existence of ‘Weird’ Al proof that there is no God?”

Bill Clinton had to go to the hospital for heart problems. How weird… Living on a steady diet of fast food and cigars (they’re not just for sex in the Oval Office anymore!) and having one of the worlds most stressful jobs for nearly a decade is unhealthy… I think that scares us all a little bit.

Always mindful of their plans for world domination, Microsoft is implementing new “security precautions” for Internet Explorer. Software designers have expressed concerns, saying the new precautions -- which make it harder to download programs using ActiveX controls (you know, the little window that pops up from time to time, usually to graciously offer to download some adware for you), while making it harder for hackers to break into your machine, simultaneously makes it harder for competing software companies to get their foot in the door. When asked to comment, Bill Gates laughed maniacally.

Michael Moore, in an effort to influence the upcoming election as much as possible, has not submitted Fahrenheit 9-11 to be considered for an Academy Award. If one wants their movie to be considered for an Oscar, they aren’t allowed to have the movie shown on television, and Moore is unhappy with this, hoping as many people will see it and be affected by it as possible before the election. I don’t really have a joke here… but Michael Moore? He’s fat. Yeah, I said it.

Time Magazine worked with economists this month to see whose plan for the country, Bush or Kerry’s was better. Long story short: If you want more jobs in the country, Kerry’s your man. Both tax plans are shitty, both health care plans are pretty good, neither candidate has offered enough details about how they would curb the astronomical deficit. Bush has a better fuel plan, economists say -- but, remember, this plan includes drilling in Alaska -- but the economists critiques offer Kerry some ammo in the upcoming election; They say the way to fix the problem is to raise taxes on gas to discourage purchase, weakening the attack commercials Bush is running that criticize Kerry for voting to raise gas taxes. And, Kerry wins on retirement. Out of objectiveness, I’ll stay quiet about who I think wins. Kerry.

Happy 1,000^th, War in Iraq! You waited for what seemed like an eternity, but your patience paid off -- you have now claimed over 1,000 American lives! At least one troop from every state except Alaska, ¾ (756) of them killed in combat, over half, 647, killed after victory was declared in May 2003 -- and, including all nations, you’ve done even better: 1,129! Donald Rumsfeld commented, saying "It should be noted that the civilized world passed the thousandth casualty mark a long time ago… Hundreds were killed in Russia last week. And this week, of course, on September 11, 2004, we remember the 3,000 citizens of dozens of countries who were killed on September 11 in 2001." So, basically, he justifies the deaths of over a thousand Americans by saying “shit happens.” Always tactful, Donnie. I salute you.

Playboy -- that symbol of American denial -- has announced they’re going to have an issue with video-game babes in it. No, not people dressed as video game babes -- they’re going to have computer-generated models. Comp -- I, just… If there’s a single man out there who didn’t react to this story exactly as I did, with a spit-take and a murmur of “… the fuck?” our civilization is destined to crumble. Of course, if you think about it, it’s really just a step further than what they’ve been doing for years -- it’s like air brushing without those annoying Playmates. Oh, but seriously, folks, we have to applaud Playboy for finding whole new ways to propagate an impossible standard of beauty. Striking a blow against conservative America in the name of anorexia and bulimia! Hoorah!