Breaking News! |September 2, 2004|

Well, what do you know. Turns out Haliburton -- I'm sure you've heard of Haliburton, the li'l Mom and Pop multibillion dollar energy company -- is in the news again for possible immoral (and I'm pretty sure illegal) activities. People everywhere have fainted from exhaustion as they fought to act surprised. You may remember the most recent scandal, Haliburton (taking cues from the Republican party) profiting unfairly on the war in Iraq (and still fighting for as much money as they can get). Now it turns out Haliburton hasn't just been stealing money, they've been trying to give it away! One would assume this generosity would garner some major news coverage, but -- and I blame the liberal news bias -- no one seems to have really run with the story. No money was actually given away, that we know of, but sometimes it's the thought that counts.

In the "Old News That Never Gets Old" department: Salon.com is reporting that George W. Bush actually did serve his full run in the National Guard. Oh, wait... what?... Oh. Sorry. He did not serve his full run? Then why would people be attacking Kerry's war record?

... Moving on.

Over a year after major combat operations were declared over in Iraq, the number of dead and wounded is still climbing. Almost a thousand soldiers have come home in caskets, and 7,000 others have had their lives changed -- for the worse -- forever. Lost limbs, burned skin, debilitating shrapnel, the American heroes of this war, the ones on the front lines everyday, have to come home not just to a country run by the very men and women who sent them to Iraq to keep that oil safe, and obsessed with watching them try to steal yet another election, but they have to do so in quiet obscurity.

Speaking of torturous death, the Latin Grammy Awards were on last night! Proving once and for all that music today sucks in every language.

Homophobia, an irrational fear as old as penis envy, just seems to be springing up more and more lately. This time? Kansas lawmakers are trying to make sure crimes involving sodomy are punished extra good. When asked why, Senator Nutriel* said "If the queer's start mating, they'll be everywhere!" Nutriel then fired a shotgun into the air, swigged some whiskey and kicked his dog.

Things are looking up for the economy! GM and Ford are reporting dropping sales and have announced plans to cut production, in fact productivity nationwide is slowing, and oil and gas prices are soaring. Those all sound like bad things, you say? Not with the magic of Dubyanomics! Having trouble paying your bills? Don't worry, you can use Dubyanomics at home! All you have to do is call your bank, look up your balance, write it down, type it into a calculator, and multiply that balance by whatever number you wish! Next, find a bill -- any bill -- and type the number in your calculator. Then, just divide the amount by whatever number you wish. You're fucked either way, but at least you feel really good.

In "No One Gives a Shit" news: Craig Kilborne resigned from late night television. I was going to try to reach NBC executives for comments on this, but I really didn't care enough to even read the full article. I got to the headline and fell asleep -- which really reminded me of every time I've tried to watch Kilbourne's show.

*Senator Nutriel is not a real Senator, nor is Senator Nutriel a real person. Nutriel is not real.